oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
