my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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