Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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