I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Too much gin, very little bucket
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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