I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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