Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
