just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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