She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
