My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
