there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
vagina is talking i cant
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
