Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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