Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
