Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
