At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
