I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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