she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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