I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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