i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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