now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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