my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
