fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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