Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
