guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Sober January is a disaster.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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