i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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