Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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