an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
