Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How external is "for external use only"?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
