Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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