here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
