Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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