My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
