So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
