wrigley field is MILF paradise
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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