This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
