If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
