a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
