honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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