his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
