He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
