You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
