I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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