You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I need to calm my uterus...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
