The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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