If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
