I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
