does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
