they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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