: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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