I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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