I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
