haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
