I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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