If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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